Not funny

Woman at delivery: “Yuk! That thing did not come off me!”

Kids never lie
Mum: so what have you been doing while I was away?
Kid: homework

Friends forever
“Anything that’s mine is ours but if you steal my boyfriend your dead meat”

Worst thing to forget: Get into a pool with your contact lenses on

Worst thing to miss: a good lecturer’s class

Dentist with hands inside someone’s mouth
“Now, where exactly is the pain?”